Aside from realizing the place where one is sleeping is either on fire, floating away in a flood, or sinking into the ground during an earthquake, the most common rationale for waking up in the middle of the night is a need to use the facilities.
But there are numerous non-physical grounds for what eminent somnologists refer to as Sleepus Interruptus, and almost all involve ongoing conflict in the insomniac’s mind.
Those who struggle with sleeplessness are usually kept awake by obsessing over issues they cannot control, which deprives their mind and body of much-needed nightly regeneration. Examples include ongoing issues with specific entities, such as an unhappy spouse/significant other, an overly-demanding boss, ineffective subordinates, wayward children, overbearing parents, the government, Big Oil, Big Pharma, Big Insurance, Big Tobacco, or the greedy billionaires who control Big Oil, Big Pharma, Big Insurance, and Big Tobacco.
Others are kept awake by issues they have even less control over, like the weather, the Boston Red Sox, arrogant, narcissistic politicians, or realizing that "arrogant, narcissistic politicians” is a redundancy. (Upon further reflection, so is “greedy billionaires.”)
There are also people who lie awake at night due to social-media-driven drama. But that’s on them. I’m not responsible for curing anyone’s self-inflicted stress.
That established, I’m determined to find a sure-fire cure for those impacted by the scourge of chronic nocturnal restlessness.
Obviously there aren't any easy fixes for insomnia. If there were, they’d have already been implemented, and everyone’s life would be hunky-dory, or for Gen z’ers, “chill.” Having accepted that middle-of-the-night awakenings will happen from time to time, I’ve been searching for a dependable recipe for getting back to sleep on such occasions, and have decided the most practical way of calming a troubled mind is turning its attention to something else. But to what, exactly?
Whoever thought counting sheep was the best way to return to Dreamland must have worked regularly with ovines. But for obsessive-compulsive types like me, all sheep look alike, and worrying about whether or not every little lamb in my charge gets back into the corral makes me even less likely to nod off.
I’ve tried making alphabetical lists, like naming fruits beginning with each letter (apple, banana, cherry, etc.). That worked for a while, but inevitably I struggle with the question of whether an eggplant is a fruit or a vegetable, which puts me even more on edge.
A similar mental activity: naming an animal for each letter of the alphabet. Ape, bison, cheetah, donkey, elephant, frog, giraffe, hippopotamus, ibex, jaguar, kangaroo, leopard, monkey, narwhal, ostrich, penguin, quail, rabbit, stork, tiger, unicorn, viper, walrus, yak, and zebra. But this too ends in frustration, since I can never think of an X animal (a xylophone isn’t an animal; I looked it up), and I refuse to resort to semantics, like counting ex- animals such as passenger pigeons or dinosaurs. Plus unicorns aren’t real, either.
Trying to name all 50 states is another activity that has potential, but struggling to remember the last one (hint: it’s usually Nebraska, Arkansas, or West Virginia) just creates more frustration.
Another potential mind occupier: naming New York Met players whose last names begin with H: Rick Herrscher, Chuck Hiller, Bill Hepler, Willard Hunter, Tom Hall, Ron Hunt, Tim Harkness, Ed Hearn and Jack Hamilton all qualify. But that only works for a specific sub-genus of baseball nerd.
But after lengthy research I’ve concluded the most reliable method for getting back to sleep involves thinking of words beginning with Z. Try it!
Zipper. Zombie. Zero. Zoo.
Zen. Zipper. Zephyr.
Zamboni. Zilch.
Zzzzzzzzz.
It works every time!
Andy YoungReturn to main page
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