It’s astounding how many idiots currently operate motor vehicles here in Maine.
The two most common types of bad drivers I encounter are the ones in front of me who are traveling too slowly, and the ones behind me who’re going too fast.
But they aren’t the only menaces. Another example: swerving nitwits who veer in and out of all three lanes on the interstate in an effort to arrive at their destination 90 seconds earlier than they would if they went merely 5-10 miles per hour over the speed limit like everyone else does.
Another annoyance: cretins who hit their horns for no apparent reason or, even worse, lean on them in bumper-to-bumper traffic jams, as if doing so will magically make the standstill disappear so they can go back to doing 90 MPH and/or continuing to play on their phone. But perhaps the worst scourges are the dopes who never turn down their high beams, or worse, flash them in the eyes of oncoming cars for reasons only they know.
A recent commute home reminded me of just how plentiful the supply of bonehead motorists is. The sun still hadn’t set when I began my 45-minute trek after a meeting which had concluded at 8 PM. It was a beautiful evening, and traffic was light as I headed up the Maine Turnpike.
But the relaxing drive took a turn for the worse once I got onto I-295 North. I was in the left lane passing a slower vehicle when I saw flashing lights in my rear view mirror. Terrified, I glanced at my speedometer, but I was only going 55. The posted speed limit was 50, but no one gets pulled over for going five miles per hour above the limit.
It turned out the light-flashing vehicle behind me wasn’t a police car, but a pickup truck being driven by an impatient moron who apparently wanted me to get out of his way. Once I passed the car in front of me I got back into the right lane and was rewarded with a loud honk of the truck’s horn as it whizzed past me going about 70. And then…..the driver pulled into the right lane and slowed to about 45 MPH!
Irritated, I pumped the brake to avoid rear-ending him. Was the driver drunk? Or was he trying to alert me to some problem? Did I have a flat? Was I leaking fuel? Was my trunk open? Apparently not, and after another mile or so of slow- motion foolishness he finally left the highway, at which point I resumed traveling at a normal speed until reaching my own exit at about 8:45.
It must have been Idiots’ Night Out, because as I proceeded down the two-lane route leading to my hometown, I was treated to a parade of cars heading the opposite way, each of which was flicking their high beams as they approached me. A couple of the dumbbells did it several times. It was getting frustrating, because thanks to all the pinheads flashing their brights, it was getting really hard to see the road ahead of me, since my own headlights seemed dim by comparison.
And that was when I discovered I had neglected to turn those headlights on. Which was, obviously, why everyone had been tailgating, honking, and flashing their beams at me.
It’s impossible to overestimate the number of knuckleheads currently driving cars on Maine’s roads.
The only thing that’s certain: last Monday night between 8 and 9 PM there was one more of them than I originally thought there was.
Andy YoungReturn to main page
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