As someone committed to providing 600 weekly words for this eminent publication, I’ve often wondered: is that possible to accomplish with precisely 20 paragraphs consisting of exactly 30 words apiece?
This little task, such as it is, seems simple enough. Just construct three consecutive, simple semi-relevant sentences, and then, voila! You’ve got yourself a thirty-word paragraph, just like this one.
String twenty such paragraphs together and you have achieved success. They don’t all have to consist of three ten-word sentences, though. That’s a tall order, even for a sane person.
But how would someone go about doing something like this in the middle of March? It’s an awfully long and dreary month, and one pretty much devoid of any inspiration.
Saint Patrick allegedly chased all the snakes out of Ireland. Maybe he stopped off in Maine, too, since we’re short of slithering reptiles, and thankfully no poisonous ones reside here.
Julius Caesar died on the Ides of March. That’s why whenever I see a group of toga-wearing Romans headed my way, I always cross over to the street’s other side.
Lots of famous men were born in March. Like Elton John, Jon Bon Jovi, Shaquille O’Neal, Chuck Norris, Spike Lee, and Warren Beatty. They will all celebrate birthdays this month.
A whole lot of famous women were March babies too, like Lady Gaga, Reese Witherspoon, Queen Latifah, Celine Dion, and Mariah Carey, all of whom are younger than I am.
Albert Einstein was born in March. So were Alexander Graham Bell, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Dr. Seuss, and Mr. Rogers. But they don’t celebrate their birthdays anymore, because they’re all dead.
March is the only month that can be used as a verb. May can be used as an auxiliary verb. But really; who knows (or cares) about auxiliary verbs, anyway?
August (when the accent is placed on the second syllable) is an adjective. But so what? January thaw, April showers, May flowers, June wedding; any month can be an adjective!
March 14th is Pi Day, which is quite the big deal to math nerds worldwide. It’s also my daughter’s birthday, which I think is more important. Sorry, math nerds worldwide!
I love apple pie, peach pie, blueberry pie, pumpkin pie, and key lime pie. I hate getting political, but people who dislike pie are un-American. And Canadian pie-haters are un-Canadian.
Apples are nature’s toothbrush, although they should be washed thoroughly before they’re ingested. Did you know that March 11th is National Johnny Appleseed Day? Too bad that was last week.
Here’s another good thing about the current month: Adolf Hitler wasn’t born during March. Neither, for that matter, were Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot, Idi Amin. Genghis Khan, or Charles Manson.
So how about a little love for March? Sure, it’s still a cold, dreary, and seemingly endless month which doesn’t contain a single legal holiday, but at least it’s villain-free.
Uh oh. This just in: Osama bin Laden, the madman who masterminded the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, was born on March 10, 1957. Oops!
Strawberries contain more vitamin C per serving than oranges, and so do Kiwifruits. Sure. this has nothing at all to do with March. But then, who said it had to?
Spring starts next Friday! Now that’s something worth celebrating! But in the Southern Hemisphere winter is only three months away. What a bummer for Aussies and New Zealanders (AKA Kiwis).
Maybe I should pause here to count. Three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, eighteen, nineteen, plus this one. There’s our answer: writing 20 consecutive 30-word paragraphs isn’t just possible; it’s easy!
Andy YoungReturn to main page
Font size: