Shameless self promotion

Note: this is not a published article, but instead a personal note Andy sent out to his family and close friends. Maybe if you buy his book next time you can be on the list too.

Prices in the text are current at the time of release and may be subject to change.

Dear Friends, Romans, and Countrypeople:

I am pleased and proud to announce that my second book of essays, Works in Progress, is now in print and available for purchase. This book makes an ideal Christmas gift, although given the current time of year, perhaps you can try one as a birthday gift, St. Paddy's day gift, Bar Mitzvah gift, gift to yourself, or, if you're desperate to chase off an overly-clingy significant other, a very late Valentine's Day gift.

This book contains 51% more essays (there are 106 of them, as opposed to the 70 that comprised my previous effort (Young Ideas, originally published in 2014). It also contains some opinion pieces (Young Ideas did not), which means that there is a chance you may find something that will offend you, or at the very least put you temporarily out of sorts. This is, however, a risk I am willing to take, so what the heck: why don't you take it, too?

I would really love to give these books away, and you know, if I can break even on the cost of getting them published, I will. However, since I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to sell 2500 copies, perhaps you'd better get yours now, just in case you don't want to wait 30 years (or for my estate sale, whichever comes first) for a freebie.

Here are the details regarding ordering a copy (or copies, he thought optimistically):

Price for one copy of Work(s) in Progress: $16.95

Price for signed copy of Work(s) in Progress: $15.95

Yes, that's correct: getting a personalized copy will save you a dollar. My rationale for this is that the book's value will depreciate the moment I open it to sign it (and it WILL be my actual signature and dedication; no phony stamped inscriptions for this author!). Plus if I ever find a copy in a used bookstore I'll know who the rat fink who gave away the item I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into was.

Price of postage and handling: $4 for one book, $3 for each additional book. If you're ordering more than five, I bet we can negotiate something more reasonable and/or less stratospheric. And if you order more than 100, I'll pay the postage, and you will likely be the topic of a future published essay.

To avoid skyrocketing postage and handling costs:

Option 1: Have me bring your book to you. If you live around here, I can do that.

Option 2: Come to where I work (or live) to pick one up. Be aware, though: if you attempt to come to my place of employment during school hours, you'll have to dodge the attack dogs. And if you attempt to enter the building without a mask, you'll have to outsmart the SWAT team and the rabid attack dogs! We take Covid-19 seriously here in southern Maine! However, if you come to my stately residence (and I'm there), you might get a free meal out of the deal. Or, if you've come from far away (more than 100 miles), perhaps I can include overnight lodging as well.

Option 3: Barter. Use your imagination! A healthy bunch of ten or more fresh beets would get you free postage. Or you can think bigger. For example, I've always wanted a complete set of 1970 Topps basketball cards. Get me one of those, and your postage will be free. (Come to think of it, if you can get me a complete set of 1970 Topps basketball cards, the book will be free, too!) Other items I'd think about accepting as compensation for a postage-paid free book: a timeshare in Hawaii (preferably including round trip airfare), free gasoline for a year, or a custom-made stand-up writing desk (with a secret drawer in it) that's built for someone of my precise height and girth.

I hope these instructions are reasonably clear. If they're not, please remember that it wasn't my idea to have the University of Connecticut's business school dismiss me after eight semesters for the "crime" of not having completed the school's lower division requirements by then. As a result of the school's impetuous act of excommunication, I never got around to taking marketing, finance, or accounting, so if I'm a lousy businessman, blame them!

How long will it take me to get your book(s) to you? Well, I guess we'll find out as soon as I get some orders and start mailing them out.

The books, not the orders. Man, sometimes it's tough being a grammar teacher.

Oh, and yes, I happily accept checks or cash (and for you practical jokers living south of the Mason-Dixon Line, no Confederate money, please) but no, I cannot take Paypal, Venmo, Venpal, Paymo, or any other form of cryptocurrency that I don't understand. Oh, and I can't take credit cards, either. I think I understand how they work, but I don't have the ability to charge them.

Please send all payments to me at XXX XXXX XXX, Cumberland, ME 04021. (address removed for privacy, you can use the email form to contact Andy and/or buy the book) Or, if you want to save a stamp, bring the fee over here. Just let me know you're en route, so I can be prepared to call off my trained, bloodthirsty hounds when you breach my property's perimeter.

Finally, a confession: I was going to put "Support a Starving Artist" on the subject line of this memo (it sounded a lot better than "Shameless Self- promotion" does), but the truth is....well....I'm not really starving. And whether or not I qualify as an artist is up for discussion as well.

And I might as well make another confession: I don't actually have any hounds. Or even one Attack Chihuahua. You can probably breach the Crystal Palace's property with impunity if you so desire.

In any event, thanks for reading this far, and thanks (in advance) for those of you who order a book (or books). Your encouragement and generosity will help keep another potentially dangerous thug (albeit a rapidly-aging one) off the mean streets of Cumberland and North Yarmouth.

Appealing to you (in hopefully at least one way),

AY

Andy Young
February 25, 2022

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